blow me away wind.

as I lay in solitude, oh what's a boy supposed to do?
I shake the very thought of you, me together, I remember.
late nights when I stay up late, all I do is wait and wait
you're never coming home to me.
that's the hardest thing to see.

all about love...again

I'm not stupid but sometimes I let stupidity wins. why? well, love makes you stupid. hahaha. beautiful lie? nah, it's the ugly truth made beautiful if you choose a wider view, a higher perspective, a finer definition. ever heard people said this? if you love something, never let it go but love yourself enough to learn when to walk away. often heard right? you see, in a higher definition, love makes you stupid yet it teaches you to be smart.
so choose love dearly. choose the love that makes you stupid for the happiness of the one you love, the love that makes you smart to guide you both through it. love isn't hard. it's just something for you to learn and live with.

just a weak peasant.

how does things work out? in Islam, they always thought us how. simple 3 steps you need to always do. work on what you want, pray to Allah and lastly, let Allah decides. well, sounds simple doesn't it? but always we all disregard the prays. I guess that's why I never had why I feel I deserve. most of the times I just put in the efforts and let Allah decides. seldom had I really pray to Allah for what I hoped for, for what I wish, for what I need. need to do more prayers. there's a lot of uncertainties in my life right now. and in this holy month of Ramadhan that I wish I can rebuild the bridge I often let burned with the Almighty creator.

Ya Allah, forgive me for my wrongs. help me, guide me for a better me. I have sinned a lot. I have forgotten Your commands. who am I to walk on Your earth, to live under Your sky while neglecting Your prayers. forgive me and send me Your guidance for I am just a weak peasant on Your world. Amin.

just a thought.

sometimes, people didn't stay in your present but they might be there in the future. but most of the times, they didn't stay just because they never see their future with you. don't depend on that "sometimes". rare cases don't often happen. that's why they're called rare. I mean, look at yourself. do you think you're good enough for someone to wait for the future to be with you? pat your chest, ask your self. (tepuk dada tanya selera). hahaha. but yeah, that's life. that's how reality are. so, make you a better self. you won't miss the great things in your present and you certainly won't lose out on your future.

brainwash

I'm still making plans with you in my head. so damn pathetic. oh dear brain, what the hell is wrong with you? please stop it yeah. you and your own life, you and your own plan. nobody's in it and nobody's gettin out of it. get it?

change your mind I can't.

there's only so much one can ask for. :)

Change Your Mind

There you are with your perfect way
You’ve got that little shine in your eyes
To hear one word would make my day
But there’s no room for me in your life

Oh you’ve got me down on my knees
Oh and in my mind I can see
How perfect everything could be
But you won’t give us a try

If I could change your mind
How would you want me
Would you say you need me
Cause I need you now

I try to move on but your perfect way
Has got this little child asking why
But this world keeps spinning
As my heart stops beating
Is there still no room inside

Oh you’ve got me down on my knees
Oh and in my mind I can see
How perfect everything could be
But you won’t give us a try

If I could change your mind
How would you want me
Would you say you need me
Cause I need you now

If I could change your mind
(Please tell me I’m not the only one)
(Please help me believe I’m not the only one)
If I could change your mind

If I could change your mind
How would you want me
Would you say you need me
Cause I need you now
If I could change your mind
How would you hold me
Would you stay forever
Or just leave me here to drown

If I could change your mind
(Change your mind)
If I could change your mind
(Change your mïnd)

on my way.

On My Way

I Wasn't there the moment you first learned to breathe
But I'm on my way
On my way
I wasn't there the moment you got off your knees
But I'm on my way
On my way

Lay down
And come alive in all you've found
All you're meant to be
And for now
We'll wait until the morning light
And close our eyes to see
Just close your eyes to see

A tear must have formed in my eye
When you had your first kiss
But I'm on my way
On my way
So leave a space deep inside for everything I'll miss
Cause I'm on my way
On my way

Lay down
And come alive in all you've found
All you're meant to be
And for now
We'll wait until the morning light
And close our eyes to see
Just close your eyes to see

And when you feel no saving grace
Well I'm on my way
On my way
And when you're bound to second place
Well I'm on my way
On my way
So don't believe it's all in vain
Cause I'm on my way
On my way
The light at the end is worth the pain
Cause I'm on my way
On my way

I'll be there the morning you come out in white
Cause I'm on my way
On my way

I know you don't see me, you don't feel me.

When The Lights Die

If you go now
Please leave the light on
Just say goodbye now and leave
With you gone now
You've turned the right to wrong
It's getting hard to breathe now

It goes on and on
But not in my head

This time
When the lights die
And there's nothing left to say
That's when you'll need me
This time
When the lights die
And there's no one else to blame
That's when you'll need me

If I break down
And you see me fading out
I know enough now to make it right
If I don't stop
I just keep on waiting up
Well I know enough to make it right

It goes on and on
But not in my head

This time
When the lights die
And there's nothing left to say
That's when you'll need me
This time
When the lights die
And there's no one else to blame
That's when you'll need me

And now
With the lights turned down
And your eyes half open
I know you don't see me
When I'm standing out
If you just turn around
And keep your eyes wide open
I know you might feel me here

I know you don't see me
You don't feel me
But keep your eyes wide open
Your eyes wide open

just a piece of thought

why does it hurt so much when you always knew it all along? I just don't understand. maybe you just want to keep on trusting or keep on believing or just really hoping to be proved wrong. maybe you just love too much that nothing else really matters. all you want is to keep it on. or maybe all you think is that the love you have is strong enough for the both of you. maybe that's why it hurts so much when you're right about what you thought.

sometimes I just think that I'm not being man enough. I don't know. what else can I be? that's just who I am. I am a man but soft inside. that's just me. the soft guy who has respect for women. what's wrong with that? I don't know. it's all just some may be. just hope I won't be hard. I don't really have a hard life, physically. but emotionally I've been through a lot of hardships that I never ever want others to feel. so if it's wrong to be the way I am, then I'm guilty.

whatever it is, I'm just me. I'm not changing, don't make me change, don't make me see I changed.

what grenade? I only hear a harmony!

Boyce Avenue. learn the name, forget it not. such a genius! they did the cover of Bruno Mars' Grenade and they almost made it like it's Bruno who made the cover of it! to me, I love this version more cause when you love someone, this is the kind of emotions you should put on no matter how hurt are you. because love is a risk, a beautiful risk. it shouldn't make you hate. anyway, enjoy the cover yeah.

p/s. I'll fucking caress the grenade for you baby!

the one that never got done.

so I've been having this words in my head for a long time already and I never penned it down on paper or in this case keyed it down on this piece of blog. I was meant to write some lyrics which I hope I can make it into a song. the words keep on playing in my head without the melody of course. so if anyone reading this wanna give me some melody, feel free to it. so here goes.


ENDLESSLY

Love me, tenderly,
That's all I wanna feel,
That's all I want for you to do to me.

Love me, endlessly,
That's all I wanna see,
Forever it will be you and me.


and I got stuck here.........................................damn it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I guess that's why it is a piece that never get done. do finish it if you want. :(

joblesssssssssssssssssssssss

do I get money for writing here? ahh, of course not. but ain't that the catch for being jobless? haha. almost a month now since I finished my study. it's not that I don't wanna find a part time job but I'm still job hunting for a permanent job. I don't want my part time job to get into my permanent job ways. you get it? haha. whatever lah.

I never know being jobless can be this hard. well, it isn't hard pun. just sit around doing nothing other than sleeping and eating. physically, it's the best job ever! but mentally, it's killing me slowly. I'm getting really sick of it!! why can't I have job interviews every week? haizzzz.....

and now it's already Ramadhan. I don't want to be jobless on Raya please. hopefully this month of Barakah will bring something for me to cheer to. pray for me yeah. adios amigos selamatos berpuasaos!

a lot like love?

back on writing again! what else can you do when you're jobless kan? should have started earlier! hahaha

well, that's not what I'm supposed to write now. a lot like love eh? yeap, stop wondering. it is a movie title and indeed a great love story. blurry? it got Ashton Kutcher and Amanda Peep in it. still can't remember it? oh it's okay. I'm gonna talk about it anyway.

so I just watched it for the third time and this is the only time I feel like writing about it. why? because I keep on smiling, laughing and reminiscing while watching it. why? because it reminds me a lot of my own story. I kinda feel that I am like Kutcher. yeah of course he's way better looking but the character he is in the movie reminds me a lot of who I am. the shy, adorable, listener, the one with all the plans, the ducks in a row, the guy who's always there on the right time and also the guy who is always away at the wrong time. just how sad can that be when you fall in love with a girl? love someone so much when you always had to go away. the actress also reminds me of her. Amanda Peet in the movie is someone fun, charming, the outgoing type, always with her own idea, the commanding type you know. but yeah, hard on the outside, so soft in the inside. and she also loves photograph. damn it whoever the director is. you just know my story don't you? hahaha

so, like I said, always there on the right time but always away at the wrong time. that's just how my story with her goes. we never been close to each other. always meet and part and meet and part and meet and part and it goes on. haihh. whatever it is, we always have a good time with each other. how can you let go of someone whose smile can just brighten your gloomiest days? someone you can just act stupid with? someone you know you'll be comfortable with no matter how awkward things can be between you both? a lot like love huh? well, it seems like it but just not it. so fate said.

to those who remembered the movie, you should know the 'strike one', the strike Kutcher got for not making the first step. well, it kinda happen to me too but she never said it. I remember commenting on her photos, her status updates on FB but she's the one started the IM. so I guess it's a strike on me for not making the first step. so sweet of me huh? hahaha. what can I say, I'm always the shy type. but maybe she doesn't notice one thing. all those comments are because I started to like her. so I did make the move didn't I?? :p

okay, what  else am I gonna write about eh? did I mention she's great at photography? just like Amanda. yeap, no wonder I keep on grinning and smiling the whole movie! and there's one more scene I really keep in mind. the time when she's being really sad because of someone's death. she asked him to visit the grave cos he was around there. so they were on the phone and she's crying and tell him to talk about something, about anything and he replied that he don't know what to say. typical me. hahaha. but he did go on cracking up a joke even though she didn't find it that funny. huhu. and if you're reading this dear, I did use this joke one time when you were feeling down and I got nothing to say. it's the joke about a kid who's digging a hole to bury his goldfish. a neighbour asked him why is the hole is too big for a goldfish. then the kid answered, "because my fish is inside your cat sir!". hahaha. nice one but yeah she didn't find it quite funny too. :|

so that's all I guess. well Kutcher did get his happy ending though. what can you expect? it's a love story. of course he gets it! for me? I don't know. the love for her is still there. only the story I'm not so sure about. just like the title, A Lot Like LOVE. who knows.

life when it fells apart : confusionists.

everyone has their own lives. they live it their way. some live it gracefully, some live it just okay, some live it sadly, some living it confusedly.

we know the stories of the people who lived gracefully, who lived just okay, who lived sadly. they're either in love or just the happy people, they're fine living their simple life or they're either living brokenheartedly or just haven't got enough for their life. but little do we know about those who lived confusedly. why? because even they themselves didn't know how to put it in words. confusions, uncertainties, hanging on a thread, just wanna feel the ground.

these people we know less. why? because we don't wear their shoes, we don't live their life. these people need help. but no one knows how. why? because these people normally give out helps. but something happened to them and they're just left lost, confused. too much helping others till others never think they need help.

the reality is, everybody need help. even the best of helpers can't help themselves. everyone needs help. nobody wants to end up confused. so help them. care for them because they used to care a lot about others. they used to care too much about others. they used to put others life first instead of themselves. they are just too used to it that they care not about themselves. what others need is what important to them. what others need is what they need. they just need to be needed.

so please, if anyone has ever put you first in their life, don't hurt them. you don't know how much they beat themselves up just for you. do you even know that they've already put their life in yours? your life is their life. if you're gone, their life follows you too. guess what else is left for them to live on? none. only confusion looms. so this is the story of the confusionists. please, be good to them. you know who they are. you know who will live confusedly because of you. think about them before you hurt them. suck up your pride before you hurt your parents, your family, the person who loves you. remember, your life is always their life.

the road not taken.

life offers you so many roads. you decide, you choose, you determine the road you walk. yeah, life does offer me so many roads. but for now there's only two roads ahead of me. and I'm just in confusion. the low road or the high road? my whole life, I never been thought on taking the low road. it is the easiest way but it's slippery and hard to steer. imagine you're driving on a slippery road. you drive fast, you might get caught in accidents and you might die. but if you're in a difficult situation, isn't dying the easiest way out? the low road, easy but deadly. yeah, at times I do feel like taking the easy way out. but that's just not me. maybe I'm tired of being me? i dont know.

the high road. that's what I always prefer. travel it with pride, sacrifice with might. on another day, it's easier for me to take this road, this hardships but right now I'm just afraid. afraid of taking it while knowing I might just fall. crushing down from so high, down so low. yeah, I know everything has its risk. when things are there to see, I know what's worth the risk and what's not. but now I'm just so caught up. I know the risk. I fell before. I know the hurt. I know I'll fall again. and it's all because of the high road. now tell me what's there waiting for me if I'm gonna fall?

so yeah, I'm just stuck here. in the junction between the high and low road. both I'm not eager to take. even turning back isn't an option. I hate this. I despise this. I need to move on. I need to choose my path. just where the hell should I go? can I just sit here in this junction waiting for help from up above? forget it. will there ever be a savior for me? or I'll just dig my grave here, right here where I'm stuck at.

that should be me.

that should be me and I don't care if it's JB's song. well, Rascal Flatts is in it.

been through a lot lately. sometimes I'm just wondering why the hell is this all happening. been thinking does karma really exist? really? if it does, what goes around comes around is just not relevant anymore. if karma does exist, it's just being unfair to me. I should change it to 'what goes around, comes around and around and around and it'll just come again and beat you to death'. hmm, am I upset? I don't know. all I know is I'm alive. I'm human. with heart, feelings, intentions, fears. I'm just a guy and I do cry.

that should be me. I really wish that it is me right there. I wish that is me holding your hand, caressing your face, enjoying your smile, arguing with you, loving you the way I should, being there for you. I wish I can be around. that should be me, the one you love. that should be me, the one you try your best for. that should be me, the one you stay and wait around for. that should be me.

but that isn't me. no, that shouldn't be me. I'm not the one to have your feelings. I'm not the one you love. just hope you know that I love you and I don't know if there's any space in my heart that I don't wanna love you. I wish you're around. I wish I'm around but I guess I can't be anymore. there's just too much bullets that I've taken and still much more left to be offered. I've been strong for you. but I guess that's all I'm good at. being strong for someone. I'm just too weak, don't know how to be strong for myself. I really hope I can be strong enough to see you again because your smile, your smile is just so . . . .

strangers.

strangers, again. i know lot of you watched it. bring tears doesn't it? yeap, it does to me. I don't know where it ends. maybe it was just meant to be. no use in trying when you're the only one who is trying. nope, nothing is easy in letting go. try hard and you still will fail. no way to forget someone that's so important, so special to you. but that's how it is. it starts with being strangers. will end as strangers. once you're on your own path, a different path from each other, you won't know each other the same anymore but still those awkward feelings stays. and that's the hardest part. how to act, how to feel, how to hold on. time may heal, and you may move on but only death will make you let go, will make you forget. but still, just remember, you will always end up being awkward strangers. either you choose to be cool with your feelings and hold on or just disappear.

stop it

please stop all this. I can't take it anymore. my body just can't handle more stress. I need to stop being who I am, who I've always been. my body has been paying the price for all this while. please stop all this. please stop thinking about other things. please just think about yourself. please just care about yourself. you need to live longer. oh mind, please help me. you can't let me down. I need you to think better. oh heart, please help me. please be strong. please have no feelings. I just wanna live better. I don't wanna die young. stress, stress, go away. don't come again not in any way. hmmm

an eye-opener

was at a feast just now. a really big feast with big fishes. it was really nice. that's just when I realized my life's blessed with great people around me. I've been here for four months. a month left to go. and only now I opened my eyes to see those people around me. those amazing colleagues and seniors at my practical place, ITNS Ipoh. yeah, these people are just kindhearted, amazing, down to earth, fun and just makes you feel like family. the people that don't care about price tags. friendship, bonding, helping are their cores. amazing guys. if I can choose with whom I can grow up with, I'll add them into my life. those are the people that made me believe in being positive towards everyone. those are the people that make me value my beliefs. make me hold on to what I stand for. the company might be stuck financially but that doesn't change them. as long as the bond is there, they're always as happy as ever. never stop making me feel warm. yeah, I did say I hate being here. I hate being at a place that reminds me on what I lost. but I don't hate the people. these guys have been great but not me. should have opened my eyes earlier. should have treated them the way they treated me. well, still another month to go and I'll try to make it better. for they're the reason to what I stand for. everything happens for reason. been said before. yeah, maybe wise words won't stop the bleeding but I should know. should know that I'm here for something. I might lost a love but I've gain a sight. a sight on friendships, on maturity, on being content for what is there, on being patient for what is not there. this scar might not fade, might not heal but I believe I will gain love again. and I'm sure it'll be better. you see, love is a beautiful thing. it's a great force. love pushes your limits. love is wonderful. love isn't suffering. if it suffers, it simply means you're not doing it right. sufferings are for learning. believe me, love is great. that's what I learn here. open your eyes, see the world in a better perspective. you will be amazed of what you see.

again.

here I am. it's 3.30am. eyes wide awake. relapsing again. how can i not. this bed I am on, the table I dine on, this house I live in, the streets I travel day in day out, the air I breathe in, they all keep reminding me of something. keep reminding me that I'm far away. keep reminding me about the reason. the reason that I lost what I thought I have. I'm the one leaving but you're the one who left.

will you tell me how to forget? how to not remember when every single details of my life now keeps on relapsing me to you. I'm just the man who can't be moved. I can't even literally move somewhere else. staying here on the reason is all I can do. how I wish I'm continents away from you. how I wish I'm across seven seas from you. how I wish I am really out of reach from you. how I wish I'm dead rather than alive breathing the air of this place. the air that just makes me suffer.

what am I supposed to do? I'm trying. trying to be tough. trying to live normal. trying to build myself again. but again, I keep on relapsing to you. gua keraskan hati tapi perasaan gua tetap lembik. heh, bullshit! I'm all lembik inside. maybe I don't fit in that much but I'm yours but you're not mine. what else can I do. I dunno. this feeling was never mutual. I'm the only fool but I cant stop loving you and probably never will. yeah, I know you said otherwise. . . .

keras hati tapi lembik perasaan

gua manusia biasa. ada hati, ada perasaan. jadinya tak salah laa kan gua nak complain, nak break down, nak emo sekali sekala kan. tapi nak berapa lama gua nak jadi mcm ni? gua pun tak tau. gua bukan apa laa. selama ni gua hidup dalam positif. gua cuba jadi positif dengan manusia sekeliling gua. gua tak judge orang, tak suka membenci orang, tak berdendam dengan orang, tak macam2 laa dengan orang. sebab susah nanti nak minta maaf dengan orang bila dah mati ke apa ke. kita ni manusia banyak salah. tak salah kan buat baik dengan orang nak cover balik salah kita tu. tapi ni cerita dulu. dulu gua main bantai je buat baik dengan orang. tak kisah laa orang macam mana pun. lebih kurang macam kecewa laa dengan orang2 ni. sekarang ni gua dah tak berani laa nak positif sangat dengan orang. still, gua tetap takkan dendam, judge, layan orang teruk semua tu. just gua nak kurangkan benda ni. gua rasa tak payah laa buat baik dengan orang, tapi tak payah jugak buat jahat dengan orang. senang hidup. jaga diri sendiri je. bukan gua mengharap balasan pun bila gua tolong orang. gua tak kisah laa. gua tak pandang harta benda laa. gua nak gua cari sendiri. gua buat baik sebab gua nak orang lain pun rasa semangat nak buat baik. nak bagi diorang fikir macam gua. be positive towards people. tapi gua salah. mungkin laa bukan sepenuhnya salah tapi ada laa salah jugak kot. kalau tak takde laa orang melayan gua macam ni. memang taknak balasan tapi tak perlu layan gua teruk kan?

jadi gua keraskan hati je laa. why being warm towards people when they're just gonna throw ice on you? orang kata buat jahat jangan sekali. buat baik pulak berpada-pada. so tu yg gua akan buat. gua takkan buat jahat dengan orang lain. buat baik pun untuk diri sendiri je laa gua ingat. yeah, gua keraskan hati tapi gua tau perasaan gua ni tetap lembik. perasaan gua ni tetap tak menentu. entah lah. bukan senang nak hidup tak fikirkan pasal orang lain, bagi gua laa kan. jadinya, gua mintak maaf laa kalau gua tak melayan lu orang baik2, kalau gua keras hati dengan lu orang. tapi lu orang faham2 laa, perasaan gua lembik. kalau lu orang baik dengan gua, gua baik laa dengan lu orang. kalau lu orang sayangkan gua, mesti laa gua sayangkan lu orang jugak. tapi kalau lu orang kata lu cintakan gua, gua kata 'perasaan gua je lembik, hati tak'. pandai2 lu orang lembikkan hati gua. bukan susah pun. rebus dalam air panas lembik laa dia. PALA HOTAK WAK LUU!!

afford it or destiny?

life as we know it, there's not a thing that doesn't cost a thing. nothing is free. no such thing as free meal. you get my point right?

you're familiar with the barter system I assume. it seems like free, a win-win situation. yeah, of course since you don't have to cash out your money to get that item. but think about your items that you're exchanging. it surely costs you something to get it. even if you found it somewhere, it still isn't free. it costs you you're time and energy. you see, nothing is free. so don't expect to get something when you don't even care to move a limb for that thing you wanted. every effort counts. that's the total cost.

okay, now that's not really my point. this entry is about things you can't get. everything has its price tag. its own cost. you can work your ass off to match the price tag. but no matter how hard you try, no matter how much you sacrifice, no matter how ruthless you fight, if that one thing isn't destined for you, there will be no way you are gonna get it. okay, I do sound like a loser, a person who gave up easily, someone scared of the destiny. but let me tell you this. you can change your destiny if you really work for it and if God let it happened. God is fair. you can go to every bed of the seven seas to hunt the treasure you wanted but failed. maybe because God has put your treasure on the continents. because God has planned the best for you. I'm not telling you to give up. just telling you to try for what you dreamed and ask guidance from the Almighty.

so, yes. everything has a price tag on it. the issue is can you afford it and are you destined for it? nevertheless, don't give up easily. put in your efforts and if you can't get what you wanted, settle down with what you're destined for. that will be better.

it comes again

has been a week since it comes again. i hate this. my nights are lonely enough. i dont need for it to be uneasy. as if my heartache, my headache isn't enough. arghh, this sucks. chest pain, sore throat, baffled breathing. oh why do you come at this time? why do you even come at all. i've got enough misery. haihh, night like this just make me feels broken. please go away asthma. i dont need you to add to my miserable nights. just let me sleep peacefully please.

no post to post since the post office is close..it's late at night already..if you need to post something, post it tomorrow when the post office opens. enough said, no post to post..posto posto posto!

promises/claims?

two different words, can be used in the same context.

promises are made and broken. claims are made and sometimes you get it and sometimes you don't. now isn't it easier to give words that can be claimed (or not) rather than making promises that you will break? you choose.

see, I find it hard to believe in promises. because like claims, promises are just words. don't make it more than that if you don't plan on keeping it. or easier, don't promise. but unlike claims, promise always resides deep in a person heart. it's something they hold on to. that's what life is supposed to have. promises that can be trust. and everybody wants a good life.

on the other hand, claims are easier to break because it's not a promise and people won't be too hurt by it. because you know, some claims you can have but some of them you can't. you might get a claim from your boss. but maybe not from a friend or family or acquaintance. when you talk about claims, you're never really sure you'll get it. it's not that hard. rather than "I promise.", change it to "I try." or "I will do my best" until you really believe you can make it a promise.

make the change. make world a better place. make life easier for others. you don't change the world in a finger-snap or a blink of an eye. it takes time.

that's why I love words. or maybe because that's all I have to keep.



p/s. DO NOT use claims as an escape route, or for your entertainment. only use them for uncertainties. it's better to promise BUT only if you DO mean it.

I miss her 32 cup A . . . .

yeah, I miss it. I crave it. so beautiful, so peaceful, so gorgeous, so perfect, so soft. melting me, calming me down. OH, I MISS IT!

okay now, don't be ridiculous. save your dirty thoughts because it's just a code laa bro! hahaha. just a code to a game we guys played once. 32 cup A is just a code for 'smile'. and yes I said it, I miss her smile.

missing it so much. lift me up everytime I caught the glimpse of it. maybe she doesn't know. but there's a reason to my stares. staring at her just to carve that pretty big smile on that pretty little face. oh just how it brightens me up. she used to say her lips are too small and not sexy but she just doesn't realize how great those lips are.

yeah, I miss it cause I've been missing it. missed it for a while.

well, no. a smile isn't just a smile. ain't easy to rock a smile on your face. you can have angel like, model wise looks or if you compared it to singing, even if your look is pitch perfect, doesn't mean you can hum out a perfect smile. but again, I missed it. so sad, yeah so sad. truth hurts. bittersweet reality.

people said the greatest thing only comes once. so here I am, a humble peasant, building on luck, hunting a leprechaun, wishing to stumble upon the perfect smile just to glow me up.

take a guess. what is a thing that is fair and square? nope, you don't really need to.

life's a turmoil. you can't always imagine it as a laminar flow. no matter how hard you try, there's always that separation point where it becomes turbulent. okay, sorry for the aviation language :p but the point is, life is rough. no, it's not unfair. trust me, it isn't. it is as fair and square as a fair white square. hahaha. you know what I mean, a square, white in colour. it's fair because it's white. ahh, go figure it out yourself. I'm sorry if I'm living in a higher imagination level than you guys are :p

okay2, back to the main story. why do I say life is fair, life is just? because of the karma rules, because of the 3rd Newton Law, because it is stated in the Holy Quran. what goes around comes around. every action has a reaction. every good deeds will be redeemed with good returns, every bad deeds will face bad redemption no matter how big or how small that deed is. life is fair. you got into trouble, don't swear to life. don't swear, it ain't good. troubles are rather a test. you reap what you sow. you navigate out of the sea of sorrow and you'll surely find the land of happiness. you invest your money, you'll get your dividend. you loan money, you have to pay the interest. you waste your money, you'll have nothing left. that's life. it gives and it takes. it takes away your joy and give you sufferings for your benefit. for you to grow. for you to learn. for you to gain something out of it.

that is life. it is fair. it is real. it is good. it is wonderful.

the only issue is do we believe it? do we learn from life? do we ever really think? step your ego down, start humbling and retrace yourself. if all you get is bad bananas, no ripe juicy ones, then it is your own fault. you never learn from life. it's not that hard. retrace your every step in your life. what have you done wrong. try to correct it. love yourself. don't let it keep on suffering for your own mistakes.

but more important is, be patient, keep your faith. it'll pay. there's always a light at the end of the tunnel. it's our choice to either stay in the darkness of the tunnel or push your way out from that tiny hole to reach that glimpse of light. because if you choose right, there will be rays of shining bright lights awaiting.

have a peace of mind, think about it, and you are good to go through life. :)

how is it wonderful without you? I still have no clue.

last night, you came again. into my dream. yes, it's different than the night before. I don't know what is it but it's all about us. maybe that's just my projection of our memories. maybe It's just what I want us to be. or maybe I'm just missing you too much. yup, I'm screwed. I know. keep telling myself. waking up at 3am and feeling broken that the dream won't last longer or even forever. that's all I have. dreams.

I know I've been too much. to those who are reading, I'm sorry if all these posts are just annoying to your eyes. I'll get back to my writing way, maybe. I'm just down too low. people look at me and they know that something's wrong. like I don't belong. I tripped on my way in to this love. I got kicked outside. everybody saw. everybody knew. but nothing can they do. my heart is true. only wants you. but the fact is, dreams just won't come true. yeah, I do dream bout me and you. but who am I to dream? dreams are for fools. they let you down.

I know there's a lot more to this world. I know that it's a wonderful world but right now, I just can't feel it. I thought I was doing well, but all I want is to cry now. I know that it's a wonderful world. from the sky, down to the sea. I know it is......but I can only see it when you're here with me.

just let me be......at least for some while..

g.o.n.e

a dream. or was it a nightmare? I just don't know. was just another lonely night to endure till you walk in again. you walk in again into my dream. supposed to be happy to see your face again, to watch you smile again, to hear you laugh again, to feel you're near again. I'm supposed to feel happy. but instead, it's just a nightmare. you didn't talk to me, smile to me, didn't even bother to look at me. even in it you walk away again. walk away and leave me cold. my life's a turmoil already. why must my dream follow suit?

I don't know what  this means. you know, I've been sitting here can't get you out my mind. I'm trying my best to be a man and be strong. I've drove myself insane wishing I could touch you face. time passes slowly now. guess that's my life without you. I've been holding on to you. I still love you. maybe this dream is a sign. I don't know. I'm afraid to move on but the truth remains that you are gone.......but I am not.

you are a song in my head.

as always, my thoughts keep on reeling back to you. tonight I hear your voice again and you just don't know how I miss it, how I yearn it. I'm screwed, stuck. you're just like a song in my head. never can be forgotten. yes, people said time heals but time keeps me rewinding to the thought of you and me wrapping in our arms. and it hurts to go back to the real time where you're nowhere near me. I just can't forget you my love.

I'm scared, afraid of the day that I'll stop remembering you because that's gonna be the day that I die. you are like a song in my head. you left a light on in my heart. you left it on with no one in there to switch it off. when I'm gone, do me a favour. turn the light off, stop that song from playing. you know I can't stop loving you.

time will tell

if only a heartbreak is a race, I'd be running, powering, racing through it to the end of it. but just like broken strings, you can't play on it. just like a broken soundtrack, you can't make any harmonics out from it. just like a broken glass, you can't even walk on it. just like a broken race track, there's no way you're gonna race on it.

if only this is a race. I'd breed myself a winning horse. I'd build myself a supercar. I'd fly myself a fighter jet.

but it isn't a race. if only it is, it would be a race against time and yes you will lose. no matter how fast you go, how far you speed, how deep you dig, how high you fly, time won't let you go until it says so. til then, stop running. stop hating. start learning. start forgiving. and keep on loving. love is too precious to be lost. the value of a heartbreak is never gonna be on par with the value of love. a gift, the best gift you can ever give, you can ever receive.

This ain't Goodbye.

"This ain't goodbye. This is just where love goes when words aren't warm enough to keep away the cold. 

This ain't goodbye. It's not where our story ends but I know you can't be mine. Not the way you've always been."

This Ain't Goodbye - Train

three months passed by. memories are sweet but it kills. all the birthdays and Valentines, we missed. I want you to be happy but i can't watch you be...with someone else. I'm afraid to move on. don't want to lose the love I loved the most. maybe it's better for you to disappear than for me to watch and remember. I wish you the best, I guess.

Train - This Ain't Goodbye

jom satu kali lagi.

 Haaa, yang ni pulak lagu favourite aku. sorry lah OneRepublic. saja suka-suka ni haa. Apologize a.k.a Minta Maaf.

Apologize

I'm holding on your rope
Got me ten feet off the ground
And I'm hearing what you say
But I just can't make a sound
You tell me that you need me
Then you go and cut me down
But wait...
You tell me that you're sorry
Didn't think I'd turn around and say..

That it's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late

I'd take another chance, take a fall, take a shot for you
And I need you like a heart needs a beat
(But that's nothing new)
Yeah yeah

I loved you with a fire red, now it's turning blue
And you say
Sorry like the Angel Heaven let me think was you,
But I'm afraid

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
Woahooo woah

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, yeah
I said it's too late to apologize, yeah

I'm holding on your rope
Got me ten feet off the ground...



Minta Maaf

Kupegang tali engkau
Ku tersangkut 10kaki dari tanah
Ku dengar engkau cakap
Tapi tak dapat buat bunyi
Kau cakap kau perlu aku
Lepas itu kau potong aku
Tapi tunggu
Kau cakap kau minta maaf
Tak terfikir ku pusing belakang dan cakap

Dah terlambat nak minta maaf, dah sangat lambat
Dah terlambat nak minta maaf, dah sangat lambat

Ku ambil satu lagi peluang, jatuh, kena tembak untuk kau
Dan ku perlu kau macam janutng perlu degupan
Tapi itu bukan benda baru
Ya, ya.

Ku cintai kau macam api merah, sekarang dah jadi biru
Dan kau cakap
Minta maaf macam malaikat, Syurga biar ku fikir memang kau
Tapi aku takut

Dah terlambat nak minta maaf, dah sangat lambat
Ku cakap dah terlambat nak minta maaf, dah sangat lambat

aku bosan, saja suka-suka.

Sebenarnya mat salleh or minah salleh ni tak lah hebat sangat berpuitis dalam ayat-ayat diorg. kalau tak caya cuba tengok lirik-lirik lagu diorg. guna bahasa yang simple2 je kot. tak caya lagi? haa, jom kita translate lagu diorg dari bahasa inggeris ke melayu. paling best kalau amek contoh lagu2 yang sedih sebab putus cinta sebab bila dalam english bunyi dia touching sangat2 tapi bila translate, pergh macam marah gila anda macam nak gelak pun ada. okay2, kita amek lagu jar of hearts jap sebab tengah popular kan sekarang nih.




p/s. no google translate okay!



English Version


I know I can't take one more step towards you
Cause all that's waiting is regret
And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore
You lost the love I loved the most

I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are

I hear you're asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms

I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul

So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are

And it took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
Cause you broke all your promises
And now you're back
You don't get to get me back

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?





Versi Melayu


Kutahu ku tak boleh melangkah kepadamu
Sebab penantian itu penyeksaan
Tahukah kau ku bukan hantu kamu lagi?
Kau hilang cinta yang sangat ku cinta

Ku belajar hidup separuh hidup
Sekarang kau nak aku sekali lagi

Kau ingat kau siapa
Lari-lari tinggalkan parut
Kumpul hati dalam balang
Dan pecah-belahkan cinta
nanti kau akan demam
Sebab ais dalam jiwa
Jadi jangan datang untukku
Kau ingat kau siapa?

Dengarnya kau bertanya sekeliling
Di mana boleh ku kau cari
Tapi aku dah membesar dengan kuat
Untuk jatuh balik ke lenganmu

Ku belajar hidup separuh hidup
Sekarang kau nak aku sekali lagi

Kau ingat kau siapa
Lari-lari tinggalkan parut
Kumpul hati dalam balang
Dan pecah-belahkan cinta
nanti kau akan demam
Sebab ais dalam jiwa
Jadi jangan datang untukku
Kau ingat kau siapa?

Sungguh lah lama untuk rasa elok
Ingat caranya letak cahaya di mataku
Ku harap ku terlepas kali pertama kita bercumbu
Sebab kau pecahkan semua janjimu
Dan sekarang kau balik
Kau tak dapat nak dapat ku balik.

Kau ingat kau siapa
Lari-lari tinggalkan parut
Kumpul hati dalam balang
Dan pecah-belahkan cinta
nanti kau akan demam
Sebab ais dalam jiwa
Jadi jangan datang untukku
Jangan datang langsung

Kau ingat kau siapa?
Kau ingat kau siapa?
Kau ingat kau siapa?

Lost.

I used to be strong, I used to be fine alone, I used to be all I wanted to be.
What I am now is weak, what I am now is broken, what I am now is what I never needed to be.

I feel lost, lonesome, lost, depressed, lost, empty, lost, lifeless, lost, heartless, lost, battered, LOST!

Oh why oh why oh why oh why?
Why can't I be me again?
Why can't I be healed again?
Why can't I have what I need again?

All I ever wanted is to be saved, to be cared, to be loved, to be strong, to be noticed, to be heard, to be alive, to not be LOST!

I'm drifting away from my life, from my purpose, from my lane.
Drifting into an open sea with the shore nowhere to be seen.
To have a saving hand, is that too much to ask for?
Is that not what I deserve?

Yes, I used to be strong.
Strong enough to catch you fall.
Strong enough to back you up.
Strong enough to take the fall.
Strong enough to take the shot.
Just strong enough to save you.

Yes, I used to be strong but now I'm LOST.
To be found, to be guided, to be extracted from this deep, cold, empty sea of soul, is all I yearned for.

Oh dear self, would you be brave?
Be brave to be strong again.
Be brave to stand tall again.
Be brave to dig deep again.
Be brave to be you again.

Alone is who you always are.
You've walked through it before.
Now walk through it again.
You are the only hand you can reach out to.
Or rather reach in to.

Now be brave, don't be LOST!

Passion and Heart

Passion and heart. The most powerful tools you can ever own. They're the engine that drives you towards success.

You see, we always talk about how gifted, how talented that John Doe over there. Well, great for him. So, now what? Do you just sit and talk and stare and be jealous of what he got? Okay, the talent is his bonus but we don't really need it. 

Two words : PASSION, HEART

What are talent for if you don't have the passion for something, the heart for something? 

If you love football, you put your heart in it, be freaking passionate about it, practice, train, push your self over the limit. 

If you love singing, you put your heart in it, be damn passionate about it, go to vocal class, learn to control your voice. Hell, you might not have the sound of a songbird but you can always sing in your own way. Ain't each of us unique?

Even if you want to be a great lover, you put your heart in it, be very very very passionate about it, love dearly, tenderly, do all the right things, sacrifice what you should, learn from your heartbreaks.

Now ask yourselves, do you still really need the TALENT? Hell NO! I've lived long enough to be around people with not so much talent but absolutely huge heart, desire and passion and yes, they succeed.

P/s. The heart, passion, desire that drives might just be your greatest talent.

Keep your head up!

I know you're going through a rough time. I know these things are heavy, are difficult to carry with. But I know who you are. I know how you are. I know what you are. I know you are strong. I know you are tough. I know this is rough but you will always stand. Standing still against it all. You are losing someone close. Someone who ought to be your soul. Someone who ought to be your plus. Someone who ought to be the person you trust. Someone who ought to be your punching bag. Someone who ought to be your pillow talk partner.

It's hard and I'm sorry. I can never imagine how you are feeling. My guess would be you're devastated. No, you're crushed. No, you're both crushed and devastated and maybe more. Yeah, your heart suffers. I know. But you know you're better than giving up. You're better than to just sit around mourning. You're better than that. You're better when you move along. So don't give up. Never give in. Fight for what it's worth when you're moving along the way because you should always know that I'll always be here to help you out. Standing by your side to be your strength. You will always have me even when the world comes down.

This is for you. This one is for you my baby. You know how people are. They change but they can always return. They just need guide and love. Don't give up. You're strong. Don't you ever let your heart to be tossed around. They can try but never let them succeed. You're my precious. You're heart is big. No dumpster can ever fit for your heart. So don't throw it away okay. I'm always gonna be by your side dearie. Don't give up just yet. Be that tough person that you never realized you are. Don't give in, don't worry, everything's going to be fine. Just fine. I love you. :)