from the heart of the hopeful.

I don't usually fight but I know I should fight for your heart and I am already fighting.

I screwed up once, I screwed up twice. I screwed up too many already. No more I will give in. 

So yeah, I am fighting! I am damn sure I'll be fighting like hell for your heart, for your love!!

changes are for the better.

I'm sick of being sick of myself.

I'm tired of being tired of myself.

I still have a heart, a brain and a soul. I can change myself. I can be tougher. I can be better. Be better for the sake of other. Being too unselfish just breaking me down. But I guess some unselfishness are for my own self too. Well that does make me selfish too. Maybe it's time to stop. Being unselfish and selfish for all the right reasons. Doing the right things always pay in the end. So I'll be patient.

hopes.

hopes, wishes, dreams. almost are the same but spot the differences. dreams are things you dream of. might be your fantasy or something you want to realize. or it may be both if you're some person who can't accept reality. let say you dreamed of becoming a Superman and you strive for it to be real. before you know if it is real, you might end up dead 'flying' from the 58th floor!! well, that's dream. wishes are things you wish of. you wish for them to come true. you wish they come just like that. just like heaven's door opening and suddenly all the bliss fall upon your feet. you don't really strive for it. because it is a wish! it is something you wish you can have but you know you can't so you don't really go for it. so that's what wish is all about.

how bout hope? yeah, what about it. hopes are things you hope for. no matter how low or how high the hope is, if you didn't get it, it stings you. might sting you like a red ant or like a black-yellow striped bee. we know how hopes can crush us down. some hopes might crush on you like a balloon filled with water. it crashes and it blows. you will be all wet and soon after you will dry up and you go on hoping again. but some hopes, they crush you so hard, so deep just like an elephant being crushed by a gigantic mouse. you might be someone huge, someone strong or maybe someone with the will of steel  and your hope might be something small in size but is extremely enormous in term of feeling. no matter who you are but when this tall, high hope came crashing down on you, you will feel like your guts being ripped off. like your heart being frozen and that frozen heart of yours being crushed by a jackhammer and it fades into thin air!! all you ever wanted to do is die. or live but 6feet down under. just so you can hope for the same hope again and when that hope came crashing down again you're already buried deep in the earth.

yeah, that's what most will think. easier dead than being crushed again and again by something called hope. something that started with words, intangible. something that ended with words, unfulfilling words. still intangible. something that you cannot see, you cannot weigh, you cannot measure, you cannot touch but you can feel. you can feel how heavy, how tall it is and you can feel how it hurts every millimeters of your body.

yup, that's what most of those people with hopes will think. all those heavy, sickening, gut wrenching details of thoughts. they were thinking of those details that they missed what they were gaining. they missed the point that with every hopes crushed, they gained pounds of new strength. those overwhelming feelings of despair make them forget who they are. how brave they are to hope on such high hopes! they forget that if they are brave enough to hope on such hopes, they should be strong enough to carry on those hopes even if those hopes seem impossible. even if those hopes been hurting them inside out. this is a true tale of human beings. we feed on desperation too much that it becomes one of us. it makes us forget that misery loves company. 

so don't. don't live in despair. do not accompany misery! we have hearts. our hearts are strong hearts. do not be miserable and live with desperation and give up on hopes! it is for you to choose. for me, I choose to live through. my hopes crashed. yeah, I know that. I heard the sound of broken records (well, broken hopes do sound more bitter than broken records.). I do feel like dying inside. but it is funny how I can still be alive when I am already feeling dead inside. I might be fooled by my hopes but I am not a fool!! that's only the feeling. the feeling of wanting to die. that's all to it. I am still walking, talking, breathing and even eating. does it hurts to have hopes broken? yes it does. but it only teach me to be stronger. to keep on hoping. to not give up. to believe in changes. to try better. to strive harder.

No, I won't give up! I WILL BE STANDING HERE FIGHTING FOR WHAT I HOPE FOR!!!

p.s. I don't usually fight but I know I should fight for your heart.

n...o....t.....h...i...n...g.........i.....n......m.....y.....m....i....n....d

7days since my last post. got nothing to write. busy with exams and all. yeah, not really. just having no idea. I dont really know what to write here. just scribbling around while ideas came pouring in. it has been a tough week here, right in my final sem. with uncleared mind, thinking bout stuff, screwed up exam and possibly delayed graduation. I guess that's just me. been failing towards the end. haih, I really need to step up, turn things around. okay, dont really know what Im talking about here. depression talking maybe? well at least better than tumor talking cause I never would want some cancerous cell in me right now.

argh, stop mumbling now! okay2, yes the week has been hard. exams are pain in the you know where. but I know I did all my best. so I guess just stay positive and be great for my last paper on Wednesday. yeah, still got time. too early to study maa. hahaha. haih, talking bout exam. will be taking it without my lucky charm near, without my shining star near, without my calming voice near, without my spirit burner near, without my special one near, without my world near. okay now I dont know how Im gonna answer my paper. we're gonna be world apart! :( hmm, just hope I'll be calm enough for that cause that's the way she would want me to be.

okay2, enough of all that. I did have some great things happening. even though the exams have been hard, one paper really cheered me up. never had I feel wanna laugh so badly while taking an exam but this one question make me wanna do so. it really is hilarious. so funny that i cant stop grinning alone, laughing wildly in my heart. it took me another 10 questions to stop smiling. what a great way to turn my luck around eh. a relatively easy paper with a madly hilarious question. really peeled off the whole week pressure :)

then. on Saturday right after that funny exam, I went for a futsal tourney in Bangi. played 7 games altogether. well, the first one didnt went well. just a draw. but we went on to win 5 other games and did lose once to the champion. so that make us the 1st runner up. another sweet memory to forget a hell week. :) well, going to sit for my last paper in 3days. hope that one goes well too. pray for me yeah.

like I said, I dont have anything to write.

I hate you but above all that.....................

I hate the way you hurt me. Like I'm you're emotional punching bag.

I hate the way you keep complaining. Keep on making me feel incomplete.

I hate the way you keep shutting me down. Leaving me alone without a note.

I hate the way you make me feel. Making me angry but guilty for being it.

I hate the way you keep things from me. Am I here in your life or not? 

I hate the way you make me wait. As if time is my best friend. 

I hate the way you're being silent. Don't you know I miss hearing your voice? 

I hate the way you're testing my patient. I am human enough to have limits.

I hate the way you always want to win. Am I always the one to blame? 

No matter how I hate the way you act, I hate losing you more. More than you will ever know. More than I'll ever know.

Because above all that, to you, I'm the one you choose to pour your emotions to. 

Because above all that, you makes me feel lucky. To be incomplete but still having you in me. 

Because above all that, you left quietly so I won't be more hurt. 

Because above all that, you reminds me how much I care that I rather forgive and forget than staying mad. 

Because above all that, you made me your life. Other things are just irrelevant and are not important. 

Because above all that, even you make me wait, you still show that you are worth it. 

Because above all that, you are just being silent so that you can hear me, so that I know how much you miss me. 

Because above all that, your beautiful smile is worth more than my patience. 

Because above all that, I know you will always fight to back me up. That's why you always want to win. 

Because above all that, you are my world. 

Because above all that, I'll die if I lose you. 

Because above all that, I love you. 

I love you more than I can ever hate you. 

I love you more than you can ever know. I love you more than I will ever know. 

Because above all that, my heart is only for you, my heart has only you, my love is only for you.

You're Going Soon.................

Baby,

You're going soon,

I dont know how i'll do without you.

You're going soon,

I'll miss talking you.

You're going soon,

Not hearing your voice makes me blue.

You're going soon,

I'll be missing my baby you.

You're going soon,

Far away I'll be apart from you.

You're going soon,

But I know I'll always have you.

You're going soon,

But I'm going nowhere waiting for you.

You're going soon and you'll be back soon,

Just promise me you'll take care of you.

You're going soon,

But I'll be right here waiting for you.

You're going soon,

I'll be missing you.

You're going soon,

I miss you.

You're going soon.....

Superman

we know him. no matter kiddos or oldies, we know him. he's the man that moves in the speed of light, the man that catches crashing airplanes, the man that wear undies over his pants (not really a pants though), the man that changes clothes in a phone booth without worries. he's so cool he can make ice out of fire. he's so hot he can turn ice into fire. damn, he is SUPER!!

by the way, I just got back from playing futsal after being absent for a while. the ball misses me! and I missed the ball and the goal several times too (I mean failed to control the ball and failed to score). okay2, what does superman got to do with this? you surely have no idea. well, me too. dont believe me? read my blog's title!

alright alright, here's the deal. It has been long since the last time i played futsal. so i got too pumped up that as soon as the game begins, I started running around the court like hell. I chased the ball everywhere it went in haste! I really really went full speed! guess what? I ended up breathless, my lungs feel out of control and i feel dizzy. so, why superman? because he's the only person who can speed up from 0-80,000,000,000 miles per hour in 1 second without warming up. he is SUPERMAN okay!! what im trying to say is, if you haven't been active in sport for a long period, start with warming ups. jog around for several minutes, let your heart get the rhythm first cause again, you ain't no Superman. luckily I dont think I have any serious heart problems or else I might be writing this entry from heaven. posted via Heavenly Fast Internet. well, that is if Im going straight there. hehehe. 

so, the moral of the story is, warm up before you're trying to burst your lungs running madly around! dont try to show off unless Kryptonite makes you weak. be healthy lah eh. good day mate!

WELCOME!!!!

Whoah!!! Wait a sec! Im not actually welcoming you all to my blog. Im welcoming meself to the whole new world of me. The world without border, the world with words, the world where everything is at the tip of your fingers, the world of I dont know what it is, the world of writing, the world of pouring yourself inside out, the world of whatever the world is. Okay, Im being ridiculous. It's just the world of blogging. Yeah yeah, I know Im being excited but you know what happened when you do new things. Well, since this isn't a job, it should be not boring right? I hope so it isn't cause if it is I'll straight away delete this!! Hahaha..okay2, Im done being ludicrous. You all are welcomed in here. You can even help me post some entries if you might!! Hehe..

Well, WELCOME!!!! 

By the way, the reason Im starting this is because someone said she's addicted to my words! :) OMG!! Now Im worried! Will I be prosecuted or something? Since my words are like drugs, addictive...do they have an act for that?? hahaha..well, I dont want to be sentenced to death you know since my words are heavy and for the law against drug dealers, there are certain amount of weight  of drugs you are not allowed to carry or else you will be eligible for the death row..but anyway, I dont really care if my words are too heavy cause all I know is if my death sentence are from her, then I'll be happy to die for her :p

okay2, here's the deal...I dont really know how to start here but I love quotes and I love making them up myself too..maybe I'll start with that..so, to dear YOU, enjoy these words of mine kay ;)

"im not the kind that fight but i should have fought for you!

 

i found peace in your every smile, love..so smile, smile when i'm awake, smile even when in my sleep.

 

life is like a never ending canvas..u paint it your own way and u dont stop painting even u ran out of paint.

gravity may take me down but hey, i still can fly high!

when they say money can buy you happiness, they're not wrong. they just forget to say that it's just a temporary happoiness.

u struck me deep, make my heart beep, dont leave and make it bleed, for you are in my heart to keep, in my wake and in my sleep.

your love needs no action, still im giving you attention, for you are my only exception.

maybe being the last is being the best but why save it for last when you can have it now?

false hopes are like planes with half filled fuel tanks..they get you up high and crush you down low, really low.

I've slept the extra hours but I still can't find you. which dream are you in? Oh wait, you're no dream. you're real! :)

I dont's wanna just meet you in my dream so I sleep with my eyes open.

 

I need only two things, you and only you

I won't just give you a shoulder to cry on. I'll give you arms for you to hold on to.

If I'm an architect and a chemist, I'll build a dream, sedate myself and I'll make sure my sub-conscious projects you in it.

I'm fine being in a limbo as long as you are in it :) "