blow me away wind.

as I lay in solitude, oh what's a boy supposed to do?
I shake the very thought of you, me together, I remember.
late nights when I stay up late, all I do is wait and wait
you're never coming home to me.
that's the hardest thing to see.

all about love...again

I'm not stupid but sometimes I let stupidity wins. why? well, love makes you stupid. hahaha. beautiful lie? nah, it's the ugly truth made beautiful if you choose a wider view, a higher perspective, a finer definition. ever heard people said this? if you love something, never let it go but love yourself enough to learn when to walk away. often heard right? you see, in a higher definition, love makes you stupid yet it teaches you to be smart.
so choose love dearly. choose the love that makes you stupid for the happiness of the one you love, the love that makes you smart to guide you both through it. love isn't hard. it's just something for you to learn and live with.

just a weak peasant.

how does things work out? in Islam, they always thought us how. simple 3 steps you need to always do. work on what you want, pray to Allah and lastly, let Allah decides. well, sounds simple doesn't it? but always we all disregard the prays. I guess that's why I never had why I feel I deserve. most of the times I just put in the efforts and let Allah decides. seldom had I really pray to Allah for what I hoped for, for what I wish, for what I need. need to do more prayers. there's a lot of uncertainties in my life right now. and in this holy month of Ramadhan that I wish I can rebuild the bridge I often let burned with the Almighty creator.

Ya Allah, forgive me for my wrongs. help me, guide me for a better me. I have sinned a lot. I have forgotten Your commands. who am I to walk on Your earth, to live under Your sky while neglecting Your prayers. forgive me and send me Your guidance for I am just a weak peasant on Your world. Amin.

just a thought.

sometimes, people didn't stay in your present but they might be there in the future. but most of the times, they didn't stay just because they never see their future with you. don't depend on that "sometimes". rare cases don't often happen. that's why they're called rare. I mean, look at yourself. do you think you're good enough for someone to wait for the future to be with you? pat your chest, ask your self. (tepuk dada tanya selera). hahaha. but yeah, that's life. that's how reality are. so, make you a better self. you won't miss the great things in your present and you certainly won't lose out on your future.

brainwash

I'm still making plans with you in my head. so damn pathetic. oh dear brain, what the hell is wrong with you? please stop it yeah. you and your own life, you and your own plan. nobody's in it and nobody's gettin out of it. get it?

change your mind I can't.

there's only so much one can ask for. :)

Change Your Mind

There you are with your perfect way
You’ve got that little shine in your eyes
To hear one word would make my day
But there’s no room for me in your life

Oh you’ve got me down on my knees
Oh and in my mind I can see
How perfect everything could be
But you won’t give us a try

If I could change your mind
How would you want me
Would you say you need me
Cause I need you now

I try to move on but your perfect way
Has got this little child asking why
But this world keeps spinning
As my heart stops beating
Is there still no room inside

Oh you’ve got me down on my knees
Oh and in my mind I can see
How perfect everything could be
But you won’t give us a try

If I could change your mind
How would you want me
Would you say you need me
Cause I need you now

If I could change your mind
(Please tell me I’m not the only one)
(Please help me believe I’m not the only one)
If I could change your mind

If I could change your mind
How would you want me
Would you say you need me
Cause I need you now
If I could change your mind
How would you hold me
Would you stay forever
Or just leave me here to drown

If I could change your mind
(Change your mind)
If I could change your mind
(Change your mïnd)

on my way.

On My Way

I Wasn't there the moment you first learned to breathe
But I'm on my way
On my way
I wasn't there the moment you got off your knees
But I'm on my way
On my way

Lay down
And come alive in all you've found
All you're meant to be
And for now
We'll wait until the morning light
And close our eyes to see
Just close your eyes to see

A tear must have formed in my eye
When you had your first kiss
But I'm on my way
On my way
So leave a space deep inside for everything I'll miss
Cause I'm on my way
On my way

Lay down
And come alive in all you've found
All you're meant to be
And for now
We'll wait until the morning light
And close our eyes to see
Just close your eyes to see

And when you feel no saving grace
Well I'm on my way
On my way
And when you're bound to second place
Well I'm on my way
On my way
So don't believe it's all in vain
Cause I'm on my way
On my way
The light at the end is worth the pain
Cause I'm on my way
On my way

I'll be there the morning you come out in white
Cause I'm on my way
On my way

I know you don't see me, you don't feel me.

When The Lights Die

If you go now
Please leave the light on
Just say goodbye now and leave
With you gone now
You've turned the right to wrong
It's getting hard to breathe now

It goes on and on
But not in my head

This time
When the lights die
And there's nothing left to say
That's when you'll need me
This time
When the lights die
And there's no one else to blame
That's when you'll need me

If I break down
And you see me fading out
I know enough now to make it right
If I don't stop
I just keep on waiting up
Well I know enough to make it right

It goes on and on
But not in my head

This time
When the lights die
And there's nothing left to say
That's when you'll need me
This time
When the lights die
And there's no one else to blame
That's when you'll need me

And now
With the lights turned down
And your eyes half open
I know you don't see me
When I'm standing out
If you just turn around
And keep your eyes wide open
I know you might feel me here

I know you don't see me
You don't feel me
But keep your eyes wide open
Your eyes wide open

just a piece of thought

why does it hurt so much when you always knew it all along? I just don't understand. maybe you just want to keep on trusting or keep on believing or just really hoping to be proved wrong. maybe you just love too much that nothing else really matters. all you want is to keep it on. or maybe all you think is that the love you have is strong enough for the both of you. maybe that's why it hurts so much when you're right about what you thought.

sometimes I just think that I'm not being man enough. I don't know. what else can I be? that's just who I am. I am a man but soft inside. that's just me. the soft guy who has respect for women. what's wrong with that? I don't know. it's all just some may be. just hope I won't be hard. I don't really have a hard life, physically. but emotionally I've been through a lot of hardships that I never ever want others to feel. so if it's wrong to be the way I am, then I'm guilty.

whatever it is, I'm just me. I'm not changing, don't make me change, don't make me see I changed.

what grenade? I only hear a harmony!

Boyce Avenue. learn the name, forget it not. such a genius! they did the cover of Bruno Mars' Grenade and they almost made it like it's Bruno who made the cover of it! to me, I love this version more cause when you love someone, this is the kind of emotions you should put on no matter how hurt are you. because love is a risk, a beautiful risk. it shouldn't make you hate. anyway, enjoy the cover yeah.

p/s. I'll fucking caress the grenade for you baby!

the one that never got done.

so I've been having this words in my head for a long time already and I never penned it down on paper or in this case keyed it down on this piece of blog. I was meant to write some lyrics which I hope I can make it into a song. the words keep on playing in my head without the melody of course. so if anyone reading this wanna give me some melody, feel free to it. so here goes.


ENDLESSLY

Love me, tenderly,
That's all I wanna feel,
That's all I want for you to do to me.

Love me, endlessly,
That's all I wanna see,
Forever it will be you and me.


and I got stuck here.........................................damn it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I guess that's why it is a piece that never get done. do finish it if you want. :(

joblesssssssssssssssssssssss

do I get money for writing here? ahh, of course not. but ain't that the catch for being jobless? haha. almost a month now since I finished my study. it's not that I don't wanna find a part time job but I'm still job hunting for a permanent job. I don't want my part time job to get into my permanent job ways. you get it? haha. whatever lah.

I never know being jobless can be this hard. well, it isn't hard pun. just sit around doing nothing other than sleeping and eating. physically, it's the best job ever! but mentally, it's killing me slowly. I'm getting really sick of it!! why can't I have job interviews every week? haizzzz.....

and now it's already Ramadhan. I don't want to be jobless on Raya please. hopefully this month of Barakah will bring something for me to cheer to. pray for me yeah. adios amigos selamatos berpuasaos!

a lot like love?

back on writing again! what else can you do when you're jobless kan? should have started earlier! hahaha

well, that's not what I'm supposed to write now. a lot like love eh? yeap, stop wondering. it is a movie title and indeed a great love story. blurry? it got Ashton Kutcher and Amanda Peep in it. still can't remember it? oh it's okay. I'm gonna talk about it anyway.

so I just watched it for the third time and this is the only time I feel like writing about it. why? because I keep on smiling, laughing and reminiscing while watching it. why? because it reminds me a lot of my own story. I kinda feel that I am like Kutcher. yeah of course he's way better looking but the character he is in the movie reminds me a lot of who I am. the shy, adorable, listener, the one with all the plans, the ducks in a row, the guy who's always there on the right time and also the guy who is always away at the wrong time. just how sad can that be when you fall in love with a girl? love someone so much when you always had to go away. the actress also reminds me of her. Amanda Peet in the movie is someone fun, charming, the outgoing type, always with her own idea, the commanding type you know. but yeah, hard on the outside, so soft in the inside. and she also loves photograph. damn it whoever the director is. you just know my story don't you? hahaha

so, like I said, always there on the right time but always away at the wrong time. that's just how my story with her goes. we never been close to each other. always meet and part and meet and part and meet and part and it goes on. haihh. whatever it is, we always have a good time with each other. how can you let go of someone whose smile can just brighten your gloomiest days? someone you can just act stupid with? someone you know you'll be comfortable with no matter how awkward things can be between you both? a lot like love huh? well, it seems like it but just not it. so fate said.

to those who remembered the movie, you should know the 'strike one', the strike Kutcher got for not making the first step. well, it kinda happen to me too but she never said it. I remember commenting on her photos, her status updates on FB but she's the one started the IM. so I guess it's a strike on me for not making the first step. so sweet of me huh? hahaha. what can I say, I'm always the shy type. but maybe she doesn't notice one thing. all those comments are because I started to like her. so I did make the move didn't I?? :p

okay, what  else am I gonna write about eh? did I mention she's great at photography? just like Amanda. yeap, no wonder I keep on grinning and smiling the whole movie! and there's one more scene I really keep in mind. the time when she's being really sad because of someone's death. she asked him to visit the grave cos he was around there. so they were on the phone and she's crying and tell him to talk about something, about anything and he replied that he don't know what to say. typical me. hahaha. but he did go on cracking up a joke even though she didn't find it that funny. huhu. and if you're reading this dear, I did use this joke one time when you were feeling down and I got nothing to say. it's the joke about a kid who's digging a hole to bury his goldfish. a neighbour asked him why is the hole is too big for a goldfish. then the kid answered, "because my fish is inside your cat sir!". hahaha. nice one but yeah she didn't find it quite funny too. :|

so that's all I guess. well Kutcher did get his happy ending though. what can you expect? it's a love story. of course he gets it! for me? I don't know. the love for her is still there. only the story I'm not so sure about. just like the title, A Lot Like LOVE. who knows.

life when it fells apart : confusionists.

everyone has their own lives. they live it their way. some live it gracefully, some live it just okay, some live it sadly, some living it confusedly.

we know the stories of the people who lived gracefully, who lived just okay, who lived sadly. they're either in love or just the happy people, they're fine living their simple life or they're either living brokenheartedly or just haven't got enough for their life. but little do we know about those who lived confusedly. why? because even they themselves didn't know how to put it in words. confusions, uncertainties, hanging on a thread, just wanna feel the ground.

these people we know less. why? because we don't wear their shoes, we don't live their life. these people need help. but no one knows how. why? because these people normally give out helps. but something happened to them and they're just left lost, confused. too much helping others till others never think they need help.

the reality is, everybody need help. even the best of helpers can't help themselves. everyone needs help. nobody wants to end up confused. so help them. care for them because they used to care a lot about others. they used to care too much about others. they used to put others life first instead of themselves. they are just too used to it that they care not about themselves. what others need is what important to them. what others need is what they need. they just need to be needed.

so please, if anyone has ever put you first in their life, don't hurt them. you don't know how much they beat themselves up just for you. do you even know that they've already put their life in yours? your life is their life. if you're gone, their life follows you too. guess what else is left for them to live on? none. only confusion looms. so this is the story of the confusionists. please, be good to them. you know who they are. you know who will live confusedly because of you. think about them before you hurt them. suck up your pride before you hurt your parents, your family, the person who loves you. remember, your life is always their life.

the road not taken.

life offers you so many roads. you decide, you choose, you determine the road you walk. yeah, life does offer me so many roads. but for now there's only two roads ahead of me. and I'm just in confusion. the low road or the high road? my whole life, I never been thought on taking the low road. it is the easiest way but it's slippery and hard to steer. imagine you're driving on a slippery road. you drive fast, you might get caught in accidents and you might die. but if you're in a difficult situation, isn't dying the easiest way out? the low road, easy but deadly. yeah, at times I do feel like taking the easy way out. but that's just not me. maybe I'm tired of being me? i dont know.

the high road. that's what I always prefer. travel it with pride, sacrifice with might. on another day, it's easier for me to take this road, this hardships but right now I'm just afraid. afraid of taking it while knowing I might just fall. crushing down from so high, down so low. yeah, I know everything has its risk. when things are there to see, I know what's worth the risk and what's not. but now I'm just so caught up. I know the risk. I fell before. I know the hurt. I know I'll fall again. and it's all because of the high road. now tell me what's there waiting for me if I'm gonna fall?

so yeah, I'm just stuck here. in the junction between the high and low road. both I'm not eager to take. even turning back isn't an option. I hate this. I despise this. I need to move on. I need to choose my path. just where the hell should I go? can I just sit here in this junction waiting for help from up above? forget it. will there ever be a savior for me? or I'll just dig my grave here, right here where I'm stuck at.

that should be me.

that should be me and I don't care if it's JB's song. well, Rascal Flatts is in it.

been through a lot lately. sometimes I'm just wondering why the hell is this all happening. been thinking does karma really exist? really? if it does, what goes around comes around is just not relevant anymore. if karma does exist, it's just being unfair to me. I should change it to 'what goes around, comes around and around and around and it'll just come again and beat you to death'. hmm, am I upset? I don't know. all I know is I'm alive. I'm human. with heart, feelings, intentions, fears. I'm just a guy and I do cry.

that should be me. I really wish that it is me right there. I wish that is me holding your hand, caressing your face, enjoying your smile, arguing with you, loving you the way I should, being there for you. I wish I can be around. that should be me, the one you love. that should be me, the one you try your best for. that should be me, the one you stay and wait around for. that should be me.

but that isn't me. no, that shouldn't be me. I'm not the one to have your feelings. I'm not the one you love. just hope you know that I love you and I don't know if there's any space in my heart that I don't wanna love you. I wish you're around. I wish I'm around but I guess I can't be anymore. there's just too much bullets that I've taken and still much more left to be offered. I've been strong for you. but I guess that's all I'm good at. being strong for someone. I'm just too weak, don't know how to be strong for myself. I really hope I can be strong enough to see you again because your smile, your smile is just so . . . .

strangers.

strangers, again. i know lot of you watched it. bring tears doesn't it? yeap, it does to me. I don't know where it ends. maybe it was just meant to be. no use in trying when you're the only one who is trying. nope, nothing is easy in letting go. try hard and you still will fail. no way to forget someone that's so important, so special to you. but that's how it is. it starts with being strangers. will end as strangers. once you're on your own path, a different path from each other, you won't know each other the same anymore but still those awkward feelings stays. and that's the hardest part. how to act, how to feel, how to hold on. time may heal, and you may move on but only death will make you let go, will make you forget. but still, just remember, you will always end up being awkward strangers. either you choose to be cool with your feelings and hold on or just disappear.

stop it

please stop all this. I can't take it anymore. my body just can't handle more stress. I need to stop being who I am, who I've always been. my body has been paying the price for all this while. please stop all this. please stop thinking about other things. please just think about yourself. please just care about yourself. you need to live longer. oh mind, please help me. you can't let me down. I need you to think better. oh heart, please help me. please be strong. please have no feelings. I just wanna live better. I don't wanna die young. stress, stress, go away. don't come again not in any way. hmmm

an eye-opener

was at a feast just now. a really big feast with big fishes. it was really nice. that's just when I realized my life's blessed with great people around me. I've been here for four months. a month left to go. and only now I opened my eyes to see those people around me. those amazing colleagues and seniors at my practical place, ITNS Ipoh. yeah, these people are just kindhearted, amazing, down to earth, fun and just makes you feel like family. the people that don't care about price tags. friendship, bonding, helping are their cores. amazing guys. if I can choose with whom I can grow up with, I'll add them into my life. those are the people that made me believe in being positive towards everyone. those are the people that make me value my beliefs. make me hold on to what I stand for. the company might be stuck financially but that doesn't change them. as long as the bond is there, they're always as happy as ever. never stop making me feel warm. yeah, I did say I hate being here. I hate being at a place that reminds me on what I lost. but I don't hate the people. these guys have been great but not me. should have opened my eyes earlier. should have treated them the way they treated me. well, still another month to go and I'll try to make it better. for they're the reason to what I stand for. everything happens for reason. been said before. yeah, maybe wise words won't stop the bleeding but I should know. should know that I'm here for something. I might lost a love but I've gain a sight. a sight on friendships, on maturity, on being content for what is there, on being patient for what is not there. this scar might not fade, might not heal but I believe I will gain love again. and I'm sure it'll be better. you see, love is a beautiful thing. it's a great force. love pushes your limits. love is wonderful. love isn't suffering. if it suffers, it simply means you're not doing it right. sufferings are for learning. believe me, love is great. that's what I learn here. open your eyes, see the world in a better perspective. you will be amazed of what you see.

again.

here I am. it's 3.30am. eyes wide awake. relapsing again. how can i not. this bed I am on, the table I dine on, this house I live in, the streets I travel day in day out, the air I breathe in, they all keep reminding me of something. keep reminding me that I'm far away. keep reminding me about the reason. the reason that I lost what I thought I have. I'm the one leaving but you're the one who left.

will you tell me how to forget? how to not remember when every single details of my life now keeps on relapsing me to you. I'm just the man who can't be moved. I can't even literally move somewhere else. staying here on the reason is all I can do. how I wish I'm continents away from you. how I wish I'm across seven seas from you. how I wish I am really out of reach from you. how I wish I'm dead rather than alive breathing the air of this place. the air that just makes me suffer.

what am I supposed to do? I'm trying. trying to be tough. trying to live normal. trying to build myself again. but again, I keep on relapsing to you. gua keraskan hati tapi perasaan gua tetap lembik. heh, bullshit! I'm all lembik inside. maybe I don't fit in that much but I'm yours but you're not mine. what else can I do. I dunno. this feeling was never mutual. I'm the only fool but I cant stop loving you and probably never will. yeah, I know you said otherwise. . . .