that should be me.

that should be me and I don't care if it's JB's song. well, Rascal Flatts is in it.

been through a lot lately. sometimes I'm just wondering why the hell is this all happening. been thinking does karma really exist? really? if it does, what goes around comes around is just not relevant anymore. if karma does exist, it's just being unfair to me. I should change it to 'what goes around, comes around and around and around and it'll just come again and beat you to death'. hmm, am I upset? I don't know. all I know is I'm alive. I'm human. with heart, feelings, intentions, fears. I'm just a guy and I do cry.

that should be me. I really wish that it is me right there. I wish that is me holding your hand, caressing your face, enjoying your smile, arguing with you, loving you the way I should, being there for you. I wish I can be around. that should be me, the one you love. that should be me, the one you try your best for. that should be me, the one you stay and wait around for. that should be me.

but that isn't me. no, that shouldn't be me. I'm not the one to have your feelings. I'm not the one you love. just hope you know that I love you and I don't know if there's any space in my heart that I don't wanna love you. I wish you're around. I wish I'm around but I guess I can't be anymore. there's just too much bullets that I've taken and still much more left to be offered. I've been strong for you. but I guess that's all I'm good at. being strong for someone. I'm just too weak, don't know how to be strong for myself. I really hope I can be strong enough to see you again because your smile, your smile is just so . . . .

strangers.

strangers, again. i know lot of you watched it. bring tears doesn't it? yeap, it does to me. I don't know where it ends. maybe it was just meant to be. no use in trying when you're the only one who is trying. nope, nothing is easy in letting go. try hard and you still will fail. no way to forget someone that's so important, so special to you. but that's how it is. it starts with being strangers. will end as strangers. once you're on your own path, a different path from each other, you won't know each other the same anymore but still those awkward feelings stays. and that's the hardest part. how to act, how to feel, how to hold on. time may heal, and you may move on but only death will make you let go, will make you forget. but still, just remember, you will always end up being awkward strangers. either you choose to be cool with your feelings and hold on or just disappear.

stop it

please stop all this. I can't take it anymore. my body just can't handle more stress. I need to stop being who I am, who I've always been. my body has been paying the price for all this while. please stop all this. please stop thinking about other things. please just think about yourself. please just care about yourself. you need to live longer. oh mind, please help me. you can't let me down. I need you to think better. oh heart, please help me. please be strong. please have no feelings. I just wanna live better. I don't wanna die young. stress, stress, go away. don't come again not in any way. hmmm

an eye-opener

was at a feast just now. a really big feast with big fishes. it was really nice. that's just when I realized my life's blessed with great people around me. I've been here for four months. a month left to go. and only now I opened my eyes to see those people around me. those amazing colleagues and seniors at my practical place, ITNS Ipoh. yeah, these people are just kindhearted, amazing, down to earth, fun and just makes you feel like family. the people that don't care about price tags. friendship, bonding, helping are their cores. amazing guys. if I can choose with whom I can grow up with, I'll add them into my life. those are the people that made me believe in being positive towards everyone. those are the people that make me value my beliefs. make me hold on to what I stand for. the company might be stuck financially but that doesn't change them. as long as the bond is there, they're always as happy as ever. never stop making me feel warm. yeah, I did say I hate being here. I hate being at a place that reminds me on what I lost. but I don't hate the people. these guys have been great but not me. should have opened my eyes earlier. should have treated them the way they treated me. well, still another month to go and I'll try to make it better. for they're the reason to what I stand for. everything happens for reason. been said before. yeah, maybe wise words won't stop the bleeding but I should know. should know that I'm here for something. I might lost a love but I've gain a sight. a sight on friendships, on maturity, on being content for what is there, on being patient for what is not there. this scar might not fade, might not heal but I believe I will gain love again. and I'm sure it'll be better. you see, love is a beautiful thing. it's a great force. love pushes your limits. love is wonderful. love isn't suffering. if it suffers, it simply means you're not doing it right. sufferings are for learning. believe me, love is great. that's what I learn here. open your eyes, see the world in a better perspective. you will be amazed of what you see.

again.

here I am. it's 3.30am. eyes wide awake. relapsing again. how can i not. this bed I am on, the table I dine on, this house I live in, the streets I travel day in day out, the air I breathe in, they all keep reminding me of something. keep reminding me that I'm far away. keep reminding me about the reason. the reason that I lost what I thought I have. I'm the one leaving but you're the one who left.

will you tell me how to forget? how to not remember when every single details of my life now keeps on relapsing me to you. I'm just the man who can't be moved. I can't even literally move somewhere else. staying here on the reason is all I can do. how I wish I'm continents away from you. how I wish I'm across seven seas from you. how I wish I am really out of reach from you. how I wish I'm dead rather than alive breathing the air of this place. the air that just makes me suffer.

what am I supposed to do? I'm trying. trying to be tough. trying to live normal. trying to build myself again. but again, I keep on relapsing to you. gua keraskan hati tapi perasaan gua tetap lembik. heh, bullshit! I'm all lembik inside. maybe I don't fit in that much but I'm yours but you're not mine. what else can I do. I dunno. this feeling was never mutual. I'm the only fool but I cant stop loving you and probably never will. yeah, I know you said otherwise. . . .

keras hati tapi lembik perasaan

gua manusia biasa. ada hati, ada perasaan. jadinya tak salah laa kan gua nak complain, nak break down, nak emo sekali sekala kan. tapi nak berapa lama gua nak jadi mcm ni? gua pun tak tau. gua bukan apa laa. selama ni gua hidup dalam positif. gua cuba jadi positif dengan manusia sekeliling gua. gua tak judge orang, tak suka membenci orang, tak berdendam dengan orang, tak macam2 laa dengan orang. sebab susah nanti nak minta maaf dengan orang bila dah mati ke apa ke. kita ni manusia banyak salah. tak salah kan buat baik dengan orang nak cover balik salah kita tu. tapi ni cerita dulu. dulu gua main bantai je buat baik dengan orang. tak kisah laa orang macam mana pun. lebih kurang macam kecewa laa dengan orang2 ni. sekarang ni gua dah tak berani laa nak positif sangat dengan orang. still, gua tetap takkan dendam, judge, layan orang teruk semua tu. just gua nak kurangkan benda ni. gua rasa tak payah laa buat baik dengan orang, tapi tak payah jugak buat jahat dengan orang. senang hidup. jaga diri sendiri je. bukan gua mengharap balasan pun bila gua tolong orang. gua tak kisah laa. gua tak pandang harta benda laa. gua nak gua cari sendiri. gua buat baik sebab gua nak orang lain pun rasa semangat nak buat baik. nak bagi diorang fikir macam gua. be positive towards people. tapi gua salah. mungkin laa bukan sepenuhnya salah tapi ada laa salah jugak kot. kalau tak takde laa orang melayan gua macam ni. memang taknak balasan tapi tak perlu layan gua teruk kan?

jadi gua keraskan hati je laa. why being warm towards people when they're just gonna throw ice on you? orang kata buat jahat jangan sekali. buat baik pulak berpada-pada. so tu yg gua akan buat. gua takkan buat jahat dengan orang lain. buat baik pun untuk diri sendiri je laa gua ingat. yeah, gua keraskan hati tapi gua tau perasaan gua ni tetap lembik. perasaan gua ni tetap tak menentu. entah lah. bukan senang nak hidup tak fikirkan pasal orang lain, bagi gua laa kan. jadinya, gua mintak maaf laa kalau gua tak melayan lu orang baik2, kalau gua keras hati dengan lu orang. tapi lu orang faham2 laa, perasaan gua lembik. kalau lu orang baik dengan gua, gua baik laa dengan lu orang. kalau lu orang sayangkan gua, mesti laa gua sayangkan lu orang jugak. tapi kalau lu orang kata lu cintakan gua, gua kata 'perasaan gua je lembik, hati tak'. pandai2 lu orang lembikkan hati gua. bukan susah pun. rebus dalam air panas lembik laa dia. PALA HOTAK WAK LUU!!

afford it or destiny?

life as we know it, there's not a thing that doesn't cost a thing. nothing is free. no such thing as free meal. you get my point right?

you're familiar with the barter system I assume. it seems like free, a win-win situation. yeah, of course since you don't have to cash out your money to get that item. but think about your items that you're exchanging. it surely costs you something to get it. even if you found it somewhere, it still isn't free. it costs you you're time and energy. you see, nothing is free. so don't expect to get something when you don't even care to move a limb for that thing you wanted. every effort counts. that's the total cost.

okay, now that's not really my point. this entry is about things you can't get. everything has its price tag. its own cost. you can work your ass off to match the price tag. but no matter how hard you try, no matter how much you sacrifice, no matter how ruthless you fight, if that one thing isn't destined for you, there will be no way you are gonna get it. okay, I do sound like a loser, a person who gave up easily, someone scared of the destiny. but let me tell you this. you can change your destiny if you really work for it and if God let it happened. God is fair. you can go to every bed of the seven seas to hunt the treasure you wanted but failed. maybe because God has put your treasure on the continents. because God has planned the best for you. I'm not telling you to give up. just telling you to try for what you dreamed and ask guidance from the Almighty.

so, yes. everything has a price tag on it. the issue is can you afford it and are you destined for it? nevertheless, don't give up easily. put in your efforts and if you can't get what you wanted, settle down with what you're destined for. that will be better.