strangers.

strangers, again. i know lot of you watched it. bring tears doesn't it? yeap, it does to me. I don't know where it ends. maybe it was just meant to be. no use in trying when you're the only one who is trying. nope, nothing is easy in letting go. try hard and you still will fail. no way to forget someone that's so important, so special to you. but that's how it is. it starts with being strangers. will end as strangers. once you're on your own path, a different path from each other, you won't know each other the same anymore but still those awkward feelings stays. and that's the hardest part. how to act, how to feel, how to hold on. time may heal, and you may move on but only death will make you let go, will make you forget. but still, just remember, you will always end up being awkward strangers. either you choose to be cool with your feelings and hold on or just disappear.

stop it

please stop all this. I can't take it anymore. my body just can't handle more stress. I need to stop being who I am, who I've always been. my body has been paying the price for all this while. please stop all this. please stop thinking about other things. please just think about yourself. please just care about yourself. you need to live longer. oh mind, please help me. you can't let me down. I need you to think better. oh heart, please help me. please be strong. please have no feelings. I just wanna live better. I don't wanna die young. stress, stress, go away. don't come again not in any way. hmmm

an eye-opener

was at a feast just now. a really big feast with big fishes. it was really nice. that's just when I realized my life's blessed with great people around me. I've been here for four months. a month left to go. and only now I opened my eyes to see those people around me. those amazing colleagues and seniors at my practical place, ITNS Ipoh. yeah, these people are just kindhearted, amazing, down to earth, fun and just makes you feel like family. the people that don't care about price tags. friendship, bonding, helping are their cores. amazing guys. if I can choose with whom I can grow up with, I'll add them into my life. those are the people that made me believe in being positive towards everyone. those are the people that make me value my beliefs. make me hold on to what I stand for. the company might be stuck financially but that doesn't change them. as long as the bond is there, they're always as happy as ever. never stop making me feel warm. yeah, I did say I hate being here. I hate being at a place that reminds me on what I lost. but I don't hate the people. these guys have been great but not me. should have opened my eyes earlier. should have treated them the way they treated me. well, still another month to go and I'll try to make it better. for they're the reason to what I stand for. everything happens for reason. been said before. yeah, maybe wise words won't stop the bleeding but I should know. should know that I'm here for something. I might lost a love but I've gain a sight. a sight on friendships, on maturity, on being content for what is there, on being patient for what is not there. this scar might not fade, might not heal but I believe I will gain love again. and I'm sure it'll be better. you see, love is a beautiful thing. it's a great force. love pushes your limits. love is wonderful. love isn't suffering. if it suffers, it simply means you're not doing it right. sufferings are for learning. believe me, love is great. that's what I learn here. open your eyes, see the world in a better perspective. you will be amazed of what you see.

again.

here I am. it's 3.30am. eyes wide awake. relapsing again. how can i not. this bed I am on, the table I dine on, this house I live in, the streets I travel day in day out, the air I breathe in, they all keep reminding me of something. keep reminding me that I'm far away. keep reminding me about the reason. the reason that I lost what I thought I have. I'm the one leaving but you're the one who left.

will you tell me how to forget? how to not remember when every single details of my life now keeps on relapsing me to you. I'm just the man who can't be moved. I can't even literally move somewhere else. staying here on the reason is all I can do. how I wish I'm continents away from you. how I wish I'm across seven seas from you. how I wish I am really out of reach from you. how I wish I'm dead rather than alive breathing the air of this place. the air that just makes me suffer.

what am I supposed to do? I'm trying. trying to be tough. trying to live normal. trying to build myself again. but again, I keep on relapsing to you. gua keraskan hati tapi perasaan gua tetap lembik. heh, bullshit! I'm all lembik inside. maybe I don't fit in that much but I'm yours but you're not mine. what else can I do. I dunno. this feeling was never mutual. I'm the only fool but I cant stop loving you and probably never will. yeah, I know you said otherwise. . . .

keras hati tapi lembik perasaan

gua manusia biasa. ada hati, ada perasaan. jadinya tak salah laa kan gua nak complain, nak break down, nak emo sekali sekala kan. tapi nak berapa lama gua nak jadi mcm ni? gua pun tak tau. gua bukan apa laa. selama ni gua hidup dalam positif. gua cuba jadi positif dengan manusia sekeliling gua. gua tak judge orang, tak suka membenci orang, tak berdendam dengan orang, tak macam2 laa dengan orang. sebab susah nanti nak minta maaf dengan orang bila dah mati ke apa ke. kita ni manusia banyak salah. tak salah kan buat baik dengan orang nak cover balik salah kita tu. tapi ni cerita dulu. dulu gua main bantai je buat baik dengan orang. tak kisah laa orang macam mana pun. lebih kurang macam kecewa laa dengan orang2 ni. sekarang ni gua dah tak berani laa nak positif sangat dengan orang. still, gua tetap takkan dendam, judge, layan orang teruk semua tu. just gua nak kurangkan benda ni. gua rasa tak payah laa buat baik dengan orang, tapi tak payah jugak buat jahat dengan orang. senang hidup. jaga diri sendiri je. bukan gua mengharap balasan pun bila gua tolong orang. gua tak kisah laa. gua tak pandang harta benda laa. gua nak gua cari sendiri. gua buat baik sebab gua nak orang lain pun rasa semangat nak buat baik. nak bagi diorang fikir macam gua. be positive towards people. tapi gua salah. mungkin laa bukan sepenuhnya salah tapi ada laa salah jugak kot. kalau tak takde laa orang melayan gua macam ni. memang taknak balasan tapi tak perlu layan gua teruk kan?

jadi gua keraskan hati je laa. why being warm towards people when they're just gonna throw ice on you? orang kata buat jahat jangan sekali. buat baik pulak berpada-pada. so tu yg gua akan buat. gua takkan buat jahat dengan orang lain. buat baik pun untuk diri sendiri je laa gua ingat. yeah, gua keraskan hati tapi gua tau perasaan gua ni tetap lembik. perasaan gua ni tetap tak menentu. entah lah. bukan senang nak hidup tak fikirkan pasal orang lain, bagi gua laa kan. jadinya, gua mintak maaf laa kalau gua tak melayan lu orang baik2, kalau gua keras hati dengan lu orang. tapi lu orang faham2 laa, perasaan gua lembik. kalau lu orang baik dengan gua, gua baik laa dengan lu orang. kalau lu orang sayangkan gua, mesti laa gua sayangkan lu orang jugak. tapi kalau lu orang kata lu cintakan gua, gua kata 'perasaan gua je lembik, hati tak'. pandai2 lu orang lembikkan hati gua. bukan susah pun. rebus dalam air panas lembik laa dia. PALA HOTAK WAK LUU!!

afford it or destiny?

life as we know it, there's not a thing that doesn't cost a thing. nothing is free. no such thing as free meal. you get my point right?

you're familiar with the barter system I assume. it seems like free, a win-win situation. yeah, of course since you don't have to cash out your money to get that item. but think about your items that you're exchanging. it surely costs you something to get it. even if you found it somewhere, it still isn't free. it costs you you're time and energy. you see, nothing is free. so don't expect to get something when you don't even care to move a limb for that thing you wanted. every effort counts. that's the total cost.

okay, now that's not really my point. this entry is about things you can't get. everything has its price tag. its own cost. you can work your ass off to match the price tag. but no matter how hard you try, no matter how much you sacrifice, no matter how ruthless you fight, if that one thing isn't destined for you, there will be no way you are gonna get it. okay, I do sound like a loser, a person who gave up easily, someone scared of the destiny. but let me tell you this. you can change your destiny if you really work for it and if God let it happened. God is fair. you can go to every bed of the seven seas to hunt the treasure you wanted but failed. maybe because God has put your treasure on the continents. because God has planned the best for you. I'm not telling you to give up. just telling you to try for what you dreamed and ask guidance from the Almighty.

so, yes. everything has a price tag on it. the issue is can you afford it and are you destined for it? nevertheless, don't give up easily. put in your efforts and if you can't get what you wanted, settle down with what you're destined for. that will be better.

it comes again

has been a week since it comes again. i hate this. my nights are lonely enough. i dont need for it to be uneasy. as if my heartache, my headache isn't enough. arghh, this sucks. chest pain, sore throat, baffled breathing. oh why do you come at this time? why do you even come at all. i've got enough misery. haihh, night like this just make me feels broken. please go away asthma. i dont need you to add to my miserable nights. just let me sleep peacefully please.

no post to post since the post office is close..it's late at night already..if you need to post something, post it tomorrow when the post office opens. enough said, no post to post..posto posto posto!

promises/claims?

two different words, can be used in the same context.

promises are made and broken. claims are made and sometimes you get it and sometimes you don't. now isn't it easier to give words that can be claimed (or not) rather than making promises that you will break? you choose.

see, I find it hard to believe in promises. because like claims, promises are just words. don't make it more than that if you don't plan on keeping it. or easier, don't promise. but unlike claims, promise always resides deep in a person heart. it's something they hold on to. that's what life is supposed to have. promises that can be trust. and everybody wants a good life.

on the other hand, claims are easier to break because it's not a promise and people won't be too hurt by it. because you know, some claims you can have but some of them you can't. you might get a claim from your boss. but maybe not from a friend or family or acquaintance. when you talk about claims, you're never really sure you'll get it. it's not that hard. rather than "I promise.", change it to "I try." or "I will do my best" until you really believe you can make it a promise.

make the change. make world a better place. make life easier for others. you don't change the world in a finger-snap or a blink of an eye. it takes time.

that's why I love words. or maybe because that's all I have to keep.



p/s. DO NOT use claims as an escape route, or for your entertainment. only use them for uncertainties. it's better to promise BUT only if you DO mean it.

I miss her 32 cup A . . . .

yeah, I miss it. I crave it. so beautiful, so peaceful, so gorgeous, so perfect, so soft. melting me, calming me down. OH, I MISS IT!

okay now, don't be ridiculous. save your dirty thoughts because it's just a code laa bro! hahaha. just a code to a game we guys played once. 32 cup A is just a code for 'smile'. and yes I said it, I miss her smile.

missing it so much. lift me up everytime I caught the glimpse of it. maybe she doesn't know. but there's a reason to my stares. staring at her just to carve that pretty big smile on that pretty little face. oh just how it brightens me up. she used to say her lips are too small and not sexy but she just doesn't realize how great those lips are.

yeah, I miss it cause I've been missing it. missed it for a while.

well, no. a smile isn't just a smile. ain't easy to rock a smile on your face. you can have angel like, model wise looks or if you compared it to singing, even if your look is pitch perfect, doesn't mean you can hum out a perfect smile. but again, I missed it. so sad, yeah so sad. truth hurts. bittersweet reality.

people said the greatest thing only comes once. so here I am, a humble peasant, building on luck, hunting a leprechaun, wishing to stumble upon the perfect smile just to glow me up.

take a guess. what is a thing that is fair and square? nope, you don't really need to.

life's a turmoil. you can't always imagine it as a laminar flow. no matter how hard you try, there's always that separation point where it becomes turbulent. okay, sorry for the aviation language :p but the point is, life is rough. no, it's not unfair. trust me, it isn't. it is as fair and square as a fair white square. hahaha. you know what I mean, a square, white in colour. it's fair because it's white. ahh, go figure it out yourself. I'm sorry if I'm living in a higher imagination level than you guys are :p

okay2, back to the main story. why do I say life is fair, life is just? because of the karma rules, because of the 3rd Newton Law, because it is stated in the Holy Quran. what goes around comes around. every action has a reaction. every good deeds will be redeemed with good returns, every bad deeds will face bad redemption no matter how big or how small that deed is. life is fair. you got into trouble, don't swear to life. don't swear, it ain't good. troubles are rather a test. you reap what you sow. you navigate out of the sea of sorrow and you'll surely find the land of happiness. you invest your money, you'll get your dividend. you loan money, you have to pay the interest. you waste your money, you'll have nothing left. that's life. it gives and it takes. it takes away your joy and give you sufferings for your benefit. for you to grow. for you to learn. for you to gain something out of it.

that is life. it is fair. it is real. it is good. it is wonderful.

the only issue is do we believe it? do we learn from life? do we ever really think? step your ego down, start humbling and retrace yourself. if all you get is bad bananas, no ripe juicy ones, then it is your own fault. you never learn from life. it's not that hard. retrace your every step in your life. what have you done wrong. try to correct it. love yourself. don't let it keep on suffering for your own mistakes.

but more important is, be patient, keep your faith. it'll pay. there's always a light at the end of the tunnel. it's our choice to either stay in the darkness of the tunnel or push your way out from that tiny hole to reach that glimpse of light. because if you choose right, there will be rays of shining bright lights awaiting.

have a peace of mind, think about it, and you are good to go through life. :)

how is it wonderful without you? I still have no clue.

last night, you came again. into my dream. yes, it's different than the night before. I don't know what is it but it's all about us. maybe that's just my projection of our memories. maybe It's just what I want us to be. or maybe I'm just missing you too much. yup, I'm screwed. I know. keep telling myself. waking up at 3am and feeling broken that the dream won't last longer or even forever. that's all I have. dreams.

I know I've been too much. to those who are reading, I'm sorry if all these posts are just annoying to your eyes. I'll get back to my writing way, maybe. I'm just down too low. people look at me and they know that something's wrong. like I don't belong. I tripped on my way in to this love. I got kicked outside. everybody saw. everybody knew. but nothing can they do. my heart is true. only wants you. but the fact is, dreams just won't come true. yeah, I do dream bout me and you. but who am I to dream? dreams are for fools. they let you down.

I know there's a lot more to this world. I know that it's a wonderful world but right now, I just can't feel it. I thought I was doing well, but all I want is to cry now. I know that it's a wonderful world. from the sky, down to the sea. I know it is......but I can only see it when you're here with me.

just let me be......at least for some while..

g.o.n.e

a dream. or was it a nightmare? I just don't know. was just another lonely night to endure till you walk in again. you walk in again into my dream. supposed to be happy to see your face again, to watch you smile again, to hear you laugh again, to feel you're near again. I'm supposed to feel happy. but instead, it's just a nightmare. you didn't talk to me, smile to me, didn't even bother to look at me. even in it you walk away again. walk away and leave me cold. my life's a turmoil already. why must my dream follow suit?

I don't know what  this means. you know, I've been sitting here can't get you out my mind. I'm trying my best to be a man and be strong. I've drove myself insane wishing I could touch you face. time passes slowly now. guess that's my life without you. I've been holding on to you. I still love you. maybe this dream is a sign. I don't know. I'm afraid to move on but the truth remains that you are gone.......but I am not.

you are a song in my head.

as always, my thoughts keep on reeling back to you. tonight I hear your voice again and you just don't know how I miss it, how I yearn it. I'm screwed, stuck. you're just like a song in my head. never can be forgotten. yes, people said time heals but time keeps me rewinding to the thought of you and me wrapping in our arms. and it hurts to go back to the real time where you're nowhere near me. I just can't forget you my love.

I'm scared, afraid of the day that I'll stop remembering you because that's gonna be the day that I die. you are like a song in my head. you left a light on in my heart. you left it on with no one in there to switch it off. when I'm gone, do me a favour. turn the light off, stop that song from playing. you know I can't stop loving you.

time will tell

if only a heartbreak is a race, I'd be running, powering, racing through it to the end of it. but just like broken strings, you can't play on it. just like a broken soundtrack, you can't make any harmonics out from it. just like a broken glass, you can't even walk on it. just like a broken race track, there's no way you're gonna race on it.

if only this is a race. I'd breed myself a winning horse. I'd build myself a supercar. I'd fly myself a fighter jet.

but it isn't a race. if only it is, it would be a race against time and yes you will lose. no matter how fast you go, how far you speed, how deep you dig, how high you fly, time won't let you go until it says so. til then, stop running. stop hating. start learning. start forgiving. and keep on loving. love is too precious to be lost. the value of a heartbreak is never gonna be on par with the value of love. a gift, the best gift you can ever give, you can ever receive.

This ain't Goodbye.

"This ain't goodbye. This is just where love goes when words aren't warm enough to keep away the cold. 

This ain't goodbye. It's not where our story ends but I know you can't be mine. Not the way you've always been."

This Ain't Goodbye - Train

three months passed by. memories are sweet but it kills. all the birthdays and Valentines, we missed. I want you to be happy but i can't watch you be...with someone else. I'm afraid to move on. don't want to lose the love I loved the most. maybe it's better for you to disappear than for me to watch and remember. I wish you the best, I guess.

Train - This Ain't Goodbye

jom satu kali lagi.

 Haaa, yang ni pulak lagu favourite aku. sorry lah OneRepublic. saja suka-suka ni haa. Apologize a.k.a Minta Maaf.

Apologize

I'm holding on your rope
Got me ten feet off the ground
And I'm hearing what you say
But I just can't make a sound
You tell me that you need me
Then you go and cut me down
But wait...
You tell me that you're sorry
Didn't think I'd turn around and say..

That it's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late

I'd take another chance, take a fall, take a shot for you
And I need you like a heart needs a beat
(But that's nothing new)
Yeah yeah

I loved you with a fire red, now it's turning blue
And you say
Sorry like the Angel Heaven let me think was you,
But I'm afraid

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
Woahooo woah

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, yeah
I said it's too late to apologize, yeah

I'm holding on your rope
Got me ten feet off the ground...



Minta Maaf

Kupegang tali engkau
Ku tersangkut 10kaki dari tanah
Ku dengar engkau cakap
Tapi tak dapat buat bunyi
Kau cakap kau perlu aku
Lepas itu kau potong aku
Tapi tunggu
Kau cakap kau minta maaf
Tak terfikir ku pusing belakang dan cakap

Dah terlambat nak minta maaf, dah sangat lambat
Dah terlambat nak minta maaf, dah sangat lambat

Ku ambil satu lagi peluang, jatuh, kena tembak untuk kau
Dan ku perlu kau macam janutng perlu degupan
Tapi itu bukan benda baru
Ya, ya.

Ku cintai kau macam api merah, sekarang dah jadi biru
Dan kau cakap
Minta maaf macam malaikat, Syurga biar ku fikir memang kau
Tapi aku takut

Dah terlambat nak minta maaf, dah sangat lambat
Ku cakap dah terlambat nak minta maaf, dah sangat lambat

aku bosan, saja suka-suka.

Sebenarnya mat salleh or minah salleh ni tak lah hebat sangat berpuitis dalam ayat-ayat diorg. kalau tak caya cuba tengok lirik-lirik lagu diorg. guna bahasa yang simple2 je kot. tak caya lagi? haa, jom kita translate lagu diorg dari bahasa inggeris ke melayu. paling best kalau amek contoh lagu2 yang sedih sebab putus cinta sebab bila dalam english bunyi dia touching sangat2 tapi bila translate, pergh macam marah gila anda macam nak gelak pun ada. okay2, kita amek lagu jar of hearts jap sebab tengah popular kan sekarang nih.




p/s. no google translate okay!



English Version


I know I can't take one more step towards you
Cause all that's waiting is regret
And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore
You lost the love I loved the most

I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are

I hear you're asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms

I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul

So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are

And it took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
Cause you broke all your promises
And now you're back
You don't get to get me back

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?





Versi Melayu


Kutahu ku tak boleh melangkah kepadamu
Sebab penantian itu penyeksaan
Tahukah kau ku bukan hantu kamu lagi?
Kau hilang cinta yang sangat ku cinta

Ku belajar hidup separuh hidup
Sekarang kau nak aku sekali lagi

Kau ingat kau siapa
Lari-lari tinggalkan parut
Kumpul hati dalam balang
Dan pecah-belahkan cinta
nanti kau akan demam
Sebab ais dalam jiwa
Jadi jangan datang untukku
Kau ingat kau siapa?

Dengarnya kau bertanya sekeliling
Di mana boleh ku kau cari
Tapi aku dah membesar dengan kuat
Untuk jatuh balik ke lenganmu

Ku belajar hidup separuh hidup
Sekarang kau nak aku sekali lagi

Kau ingat kau siapa
Lari-lari tinggalkan parut
Kumpul hati dalam balang
Dan pecah-belahkan cinta
nanti kau akan demam
Sebab ais dalam jiwa
Jadi jangan datang untukku
Kau ingat kau siapa?

Sungguh lah lama untuk rasa elok
Ingat caranya letak cahaya di mataku
Ku harap ku terlepas kali pertama kita bercumbu
Sebab kau pecahkan semua janjimu
Dan sekarang kau balik
Kau tak dapat nak dapat ku balik.

Kau ingat kau siapa
Lari-lari tinggalkan parut
Kumpul hati dalam balang
Dan pecah-belahkan cinta
nanti kau akan demam
Sebab ais dalam jiwa
Jadi jangan datang untukku
Jangan datang langsung

Kau ingat kau siapa?
Kau ingat kau siapa?
Kau ingat kau siapa?

Lost.

I used to be strong, I used to be fine alone, I used to be all I wanted to be.
What I am now is weak, what I am now is broken, what I am now is what I never needed to be.

I feel lost, lonesome, lost, depressed, lost, empty, lost, lifeless, lost, heartless, lost, battered, LOST!

Oh why oh why oh why oh why?
Why can't I be me again?
Why can't I be healed again?
Why can't I have what I need again?

All I ever wanted is to be saved, to be cared, to be loved, to be strong, to be noticed, to be heard, to be alive, to not be LOST!

I'm drifting away from my life, from my purpose, from my lane.
Drifting into an open sea with the shore nowhere to be seen.
To have a saving hand, is that too much to ask for?
Is that not what I deserve?

Yes, I used to be strong.
Strong enough to catch you fall.
Strong enough to back you up.
Strong enough to take the fall.
Strong enough to take the shot.
Just strong enough to save you.

Yes, I used to be strong but now I'm LOST.
To be found, to be guided, to be extracted from this deep, cold, empty sea of soul, is all I yearned for.

Oh dear self, would you be brave?
Be brave to be strong again.
Be brave to stand tall again.
Be brave to dig deep again.
Be brave to be you again.

Alone is who you always are.
You've walked through it before.
Now walk through it again.
You are the only hand you can reach out to.
Or rather reach in to.

Now be brave, don't be LOST!